The Shadow's Realm http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/ The personal blog of a 16 year old girl making her way through life. Final Countdown http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=165 Sitting here now, there is less than 12 hours until I return to school for the final 5 weeks of school. It simply blows my mind that I have 5 weeks left in the school year before I become a senior. I guess it's really 8 more weeks for me, as I have my Mexico trip after school gets out and then summer government. But still; there's a difference between being in school for 8 hours everyday and only being there for 3 or 4. Still, just being able to count the number of actual school weeks on one hand...it's...crazy. So tell me, are you guys anticipating summer? Oh, by the way, I also figured out the code for my RSS feed! So feel free to subscribe. At What Point? http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=166 At what point is it just not worth it anymore? At what point is it better to give up something you love because it hurts so much? I'm beginning to wonder if I've arrived at that point. I'm tired of fighting, but I don't know what else to do. I don't agree, and I'm time of being patronized to try and convince me that I do. I don't. I think you're butchering a great book by trying to find your propaganda in it. I absolutely love the book, but stop butchering it! Not everything in it agrees with you. Stop trying to make it! Don't tell me I'm not a shadow, you're already putting me there. Already my opinion doesn't matter to you. How can you expect me to support something when I disagree with it? You want to know what's wrong? You're screwing me over for politics. Melon Splash http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=167 So if you've been watching the site at all today, you'll have seen it in various stages of disarray as I've put up a new layout for the summer. It focuses on three main colors on top of a white & gray background. The colors being very bright, and in my opinion, "melony". The inspiration of this design came via one of the numerous css showcases that I browse. That design focused its attention on just one accent color and had numerous sidebars. Because I'm lame, I decided on three accent colors and just one sidebar. =) Some of the pages had been given a facelift in the process, while others I've left alone. The biggest thing to note probably, even though I haven't gotten that far in the revamp yet, is that you will be able to hire me for program & design work. Also, some of my portfolio pieces, which are mainly old layouts for this website, will be available for purchase. Those pieces have not been marked yet, but they will be soon. Want to be the first to know about the new updates to TSR? Subscribe to my RSS Feed. Summer Diet http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=168 So, let's be honest. I am not the slimmest person around. While I don't consider myself obese or anything of the like, I would certainly be okay with losing a few pounds, primarily from my stomach. Of course, my big problem is finding the right way to do that. I'm not so dumb as to believe that I can take a pill and my fat will just melt away. I know that it is going to take time and effort on my part, I have to actively attempt to change. And I think I am willing to do that. But, the issue is figuring out what I can do to help that. A few months ago, I started eating yogurt pretty regularly, and I noticed I was losing some pounds from my waist, which was great! The problem was though, that after eating yogurt on a daily basis for several weeks, I lost any good feelings toward it, it just no longer tasted good. I also attempted to eat grapefruit, and found that it didn't taste so great to me. Now that marching band has started, I know I'll start losing some weight, but I'm trying to think of some exercise that I can do to help keep it off. I try and walk my dog once a week, but I need ideas on what else I can do. If you have any ideas on how I can jumpstart my diet, and better yet, a way to keep it off, let me know. 3 Days Left http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=169 So today is the first of July, which means that in 3 days I will depart from Indiana with my two brothers and set off south to see our mother in Kansas. Where in the past, I've somewhat looked forward to seeing her, this time marks a significant land mark for me emotionally in that I don't. I haven't seen her in a year, since last summer, and it wouldn't bother me to do it again. Maybe it's because I've grown used to not having her in my life, and it's beginning to hit me that next summer, I won't have to go see her if I don't want to. I'll turn 18 years old in May, a legal adult - the court ruling in terms of custody will no longer apply to me. It's a rather awkward feeling, if I'm honest. Because while I think my mother is a less than perfect one, I still love her. I mean, I guess I don't think that our lack of a relationship makes her a bad person. I know she means well, I guess its just to late for that to affect me? I don't know. It's complicated. Have you ever had to deal with something like this? Leaving your friends behind for what some would call a "less than perfect" family vacation? Summer Reading Log http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=170 So, in line with a tradition I started last year, I will be keeping a summer reading log. These books are usually just the ones that I read while I'm at my mother's house in Liberal. With only 3 weeks here, my list will be a little bit shorter than before, but I hope to get through some good books while I'm here.
No Completed Books
Epic Failure http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=171 You know that feeling that you get when everything seems to be collapsing around you all at once? That happened to me in this last month. Everything, from my relationship to school, was falling down on my head. I was letting the most stupid things get into my head and it was messing with the way I saw the world around me. I was utterly confused, and it was starting to have some serious impacts. I was physically sick all the time and missed almost a week of school because of it. All because I was too stupid to realize what was going on. We all have those emotional barriers, walls, that we put up to prevent ourselves from getting hurt. Well, mine got smashed to bits. Every last defense I had got absolutely shattered. It's taken me almost a month, but I think I've finally managed to build them back up. The most important thing I learned? Some patterns will never change. All my life I've been picked up and dropped like I was a rag doll. It happens without fail in all my relationships: we're tight for a while and then something happens and we can't even meet each others gaze for a while, and then you come back into my life, wanting forgiveness, wanting to return to the way things used to be. Maybe because I'm terrified of ending up alone, I don't mind letting things go for the sake of the greater good. One day, I just hope that I can be strong enough to stand up for my broken walls and say no, that it's not okay. I just don't get why it has to be so damn difficult all the time. Why, just once, can't I have a friend who will stick by me no matter what and won't put me by the wayside if they get bored? Bittersweet http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=172 So as of approximately 10:30 pm, October 31st, 2009, I am no longer a member of marching band. After four years of hard work and dedication, my final season came to end at the awards ceremony for the Class A state finalists. It was the first time our band had ever gone to State Finals in Class A, so no matter what happened, I knew that I would be ending a chapter of my life on an amazing note. When our band was called 9th, I was ecstatic, though I really had hoped for 7th or 8th. Either way though, it was a fantastic note to end on, and the memories that I've had from participating will never go away. Of course, this makes the ending of the season a rather bittersweet sensation. It's obviously sweet because we got to end it on such a great note, but it is also bitter, because it is the end. As a freshmen, I couldn't understand why the seniors were so bothered by it all. Even as a sophomore, I wasn't sure that I entirely got it. But when I watched some of my best friends graduate when I was a junior, I began to have an understanding. All season, I've done my best to try and push aside the thoughts that yes, this was my last year. I think, as I lifted my head at our last set at Lucas Oil stadium, it finally hit me that I was done. So I guess, what I really want to try and say, is that you need to cherish the memories that you make with other people, and the time that you get to spend with them, because before you know it, that time is over. Bittersweet http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=172 So as of approximately 10:30 pm, October 31st, 2009, I am no longer a member of marching band. After four years of hard work and dedication, my final season came to end at the awards ceremony for the Class A state finalists. It was the first time our band had ever gone to State Finals in Class A, so no matter what happened, I knew that I would be ending a chapter of my life on an amazing note. When our band was called 9th, I was ecstatic, though I really had hoped for 7th or 8th. Either way though, it was a fantastic note to end on, and the memories that I've had from participating will never go away. Of course, this makes the ending of the season a rather bittersweet sensation. It's obviously sweet because we got to end it on such a great note, but it is also bitter, because it is the end. As a freshmen, I couldn't understand why the seniors were so bothered by it all. Even as a sophomore, I wasn't sure that I entirely got it. But when I watched some of my best friends graduate when I was a junior, I began to have an understanding. All season, I've done my best to try and push aside the thoughts that yes, this was my last year. I think, as I lifted my head at our last set at Lucas Oil stadium, it finally hit me that I was done. So I guess, what I really want to try and say, is that you need to cherish the memories that you make with other people, and the time that you get to spend with them, because before you know it, that time is over. Bittersweet http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=172 So as of approximately 10:30 pm, October 31st, 2009, I am no longer a member of marching band. After four years of hard work and dedication, my final season came to end at the awards ceremony for the Class A state finalists. It was the first time our band had ever gone to State Finals in Class A, so no matter what happened, I knew that I would be ending a chapter of my life on an amazing note. When our band was called 9th, I was ecstatic, though I really had hoped for 7th or 8th. Either way though, it was a fantastic note to end on, and the memories that I've had from participating will never go away. Of course, this makes the ending of the season a rather bittersweet sensation. It's obviously sweet because we got to end it on such a great note, but it is also bitter, because it is the end. As a freshmen, I couldn't understand why the seniors were so bothered by it all. Even as a sophomore, I wasn't sure that I entirely got it. But when I watched some of my best friends graduate when I was a junior, I began to have an understanding. All season, I've done my best to try and push aside the thoughts that yes, this was my last year. I think, as I lifted my head at our last set at Lucas Oil stadium, it finally hit me that I was done. So I guess, what I really want to try and say, is that you need to cherish the memories that you make with other people, and the time that you get to spend with them, because before you know it, that time is over. Right or Wrong http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=175 So much has happened, that I can't even begin to describe it. So many changes that I can't even remember now. Who I am right now is not who I used to be, for better or for worse. I have grown, and become a woman in this world, capable of making her own decisions and accepting the consequences of those decisions. Right now, I'm facing a huge conflict within myself. I don't know which is better. Do I stay or do I go? Do I need to sacrifice my momentary happiness for the happiness I hope I have in the long run? What IS the long run? At what point is there no going back? Today we discussed the idea behind wisdom, and how we define it. They said that we became wise once we realized that we are in fact not all knowing, and that there is so much more to learn in this world. More than can ever be learned in one single lifetime. I'm at the point where a little more life experience would come in so handy. I guess, I'm stuck as to what I should do. I'm searching for the answers and they keep evading me. Or, rather, I know them, but they're not the answers that I want, so I'll keep searching until I get what I want. Maybe it means that I'll never be happy, but it is what it is. Bittersweet http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=172 So as of approximately 10:30 pm, October 31st, 2009, I am no longer a member of marching band. After four years of hard work and dedication, my final season came to end at the awards ceremony for the Class A state finalists. It was the first time our band had ever gone to State Finals in Class A, so no matter what happened, I knew that I would be ending a chapter of my life on an amazing note. When our band was called 9th, I was ecstatic, though I really had hoped for 7th or 8th. Either way though, it was a fantastic note to end on, and the memories that I've had from participating will never go away. Of course, this makes the ending of the season a rather bittersweet sensation. It's obviously sweet because we got to end it on such a great note, but it is also bitter, because it is the end. As a freshmen, I couldn't understand why the seniors were so bothered by it all. Even as a sophomore, I wasn't sure that I entirely got it. But when I watched some of my best friends graduate when I was a junior, I began to have an understanding. All season, I've done my best to try and push aside the thoughts that yes, this was my last year. I think, as I lifted my head at our last set at Lucas Oil stadium, it finally hit me that I was done. So I guess, what I really want to try and say, is that you need to cherish the memories that you make with other people, and the time that you get to spend with them, because before you know it, that time is over. Not Really Sure http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=177 I guess I'm not really sure what to do at this point. Everything has spiraled out of control. There doesn't seem to be any real way to get it back either, at least, not without hurting somebody. Right now, we're both hurting. But for two entirely different reasons. He's hurting because he wants somebody else. I'm hurting because I want him. Either way, we're both in trouble. We haven't talked since Friday. This is the longest amount of time we've gone without talking to each other ever. I guess that means something, doesn't it? That it's finally over. I want him to talk to me, but I won't beg to be his second place. That's not fair. I deserve better than that; or at least, everybody else has said so. But at the same time...he's my best friend. Or at least, he was. Not talking to him kills me. He made a comment once about how I would insult him. "It's like your putting razor blades in a sandwich and trying to hide it under the lettuce." In this scenario, there is no bread and there is no lettuce. There's just the razor blade, and the pain that comes along with that. Right now, it's like my heart has been shredded by that particular razor blade. What I've got left doesn't even qualify as a heart. It's far too broken for that. I don't know what the future holds. I really have no idea. I have people telling me different things all the time. The only thing that they agree on is that I need to buckle down and move on with my life. Unfortunately, it's the absolute hardest thing I can imagine doing. I hate not knowing if tomorrow I'll get a good morning text. Or if I'll ever hear him say that he misses me. I hate not knowing. And that is without a doubt, the part that hurts the most. Song Lyrics http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=178 I noticed today that he likes to post song lyrics. And they're all about love. They're all about being far away from the person that you love and the person that you want to be with. I thought for the longest time that those songs were about me. That he was missing me and that he wanted to be with me. I know now that isn't true. It isn't me that he wants; it's somebody else. We talked today. And he said that he wanted to be friends. But I don't know if I can give him that. Not right now. I still love him. I still think about him all the time. I still want to hold his hand. And feel the comfort in his hugs. And the warmth in his kisses. I guess I never realized that eventually, we would have to call it quits for good. That we would eventually both move on. Or at least, not admit to having feelings for each other. It was something that I could always at least sort of picture in my head. But it was never something that I saw coming true. I always thought that in the end, we'd end up together. And the truth of it is that we won't. He doesn't want to be with me. I'm going into therapy. Because it's obvious that I can't learn to lie without him on my own. I've tried, and all it has done was make me realize how much I need him in my life. Which is why making the decision that we can't be friends is tearing me up inside. Because I don't know if I have the power to keep him out of my life. Because I want him there. I just want him to be a bigger part of it than he does. Next Thursday I have my second meeting (after my initial "what is your problem" meeting) with my therapist. And I'm praying and hoping that I'm going to get through this. Because that is what I need right now more than anything else in the entire world. I need to know that this pain is not permanent. Almost Halloween http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=179 Keith Welch is basically the shit. That is all. =p Comm 210 http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=180 1. What's the average time it takes you to get ready in the morning? (not including time in the shower) answered question 100 skipped question 0 Response Percent Response Count 0-10 minutes 27.0% 27 11-20 minutes 34.0% 34 21-30 minutes 27.0% 27 31-40 minutes 6.0% 6 41-50 minutes 2.0% 2 51-an hour 2.0% 2 More than an hour (yikes) 2.0% 2 DownloadCreate Chart2. How long does it take you to get ready to go out on the weekend? answered question 99 skipped question 1 Response Percent Response Count 0-10 minutes 16.2% 16 11-20 minutes 25.3% 25 21-30 minutes 22.2% 22 31-40 minutes 13.1% 13 41-50 minutes 11.1% 11 51- an hour 7.1% 7 over an hour 5.1% 5 DownloadCreate Chart3. Do you feel better when you put more effort into your look? answered question 100 skipped question 0 Response Percent Response Count Yes 87.0% 87 No 13.0% 13 DownloadCreate Chart4. Do you believe looking stylish is important? answered question 100 skipped question 0 Response Percent Response Count Yes 60.0% 60 No 40.0% 40 DownloadCreate Chart5. How would you describe your style? answered question 100 skipped question 0 Response Percent Response Count Shorts and t-shirt 15.0% 15 Dress shirt and slacks 4.0% 4 Jeans and t-shirt 61.0% 61 Polo and slacks 0.0% 0 other 20.0% 20 Show repliesOther (please specify) 20 DownloadCreate Chart6. Have you ever borrowed a piece of clothing from another person to look more stylish? answered question 100 skipped question 0 Response Percent Response Count Yes 55.0% 55 No 45.0% 45 DownloadCreate Chart7. Do you consider yourself stylish? answered question 100 skipped question 0 Response Percent Response Count Yes 59.0% 59 No 41.0% 41 DownloadCreate Chart8. Do you lay out your clothes for the next day at night? answered question 100 skipped question 0 Response Percent Response Count Yes 20.0% 20 No 80.0% 80 DownloadCreate Chart9. Finish the sentence. When I get dressed up, I... answered question 100 skipped question 0 Response Percent Response Count Can take on the world 27.0% 27 Am on cloud 9 9.0% 9 Look beautiful 28.0% 28 Look handsome 12.0% 12 Feel no different 13.0% 13 Other 11.0% 11 Show repliesOther (please specify) 10 DownloadCreate Chart10. What's your gender? answered question 99 skipped question 1 Spring of Life http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=181 It has been a while since I've blogged, and blogged something worth talking about. In part it is because my life has taken such a sudden shift in direction. A month ago, I could not have even begun to predict where I would be today. I find myself in a new position; one that brings me both happiness and worry. Happiness, because I know that I am genuinely loved and cared about. Worried, because it is so different from what I'm used to. I'm talking about Keith. Keith is...amazing. It has been so long since I've watched somebody's face light up just because I walked into the room, and it has been a long time since I had somebody look me in the eye and tell me that they care about me and they want to do whatever they can to make me happy. And he has. It's different because we're in college...we can see each other every day in a way that you generally couldn't do in HS. It doesn't matter that it's 1 am in the morning, I can run up a flight of stairs and go get him, and I know he'll be there. We've run into each other a couple of different times randomly, going up and down stairs or going to class, and it has been amazing. I knew that my heart would eventually heal. I just never predicted that it would heal in such a way as this. I have a boyfriend who cares about me, and wants me to be happy. I have a best friend who cares for me and who I can still talk to. And I have another best friend who is coming home in 2 weeks. I haven't seen Nate in 5 months, and I am both elated and terrified of seeing him. Elated because he truly is one of my best friends, one who knows a great deal about me and who I can truly be comfortable around. Terrified because of the separation. What has happened to both of us. We've changed, that much is obvious. For the better or for the worse has yet to be determined. College has been an experience, something I could never have predicted. Looking at my Facebook and seeing all the new seniors talk about applying for colleges and universities, and I just shake my head. Nothing can prepare you for this...it is something completely unexpected and out of the ordinary. I love it, and at the same time, I find myself longing for home. It has been an adjustment, but not one that I regret. I have become a different person; whose only hope is that she changed for the better as opposed to the worse. I feel like this has been the case, but I guess we'll find out, won't we? I'm So Confused http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=182 So you know how in my last post, I was commenting on about how everything was going great? I have a boyfriend who is awesome and I have a best friend who has promised me repeatedly that we're still good. Right now, I'm beginning to doubt the validity of the second. I don't understand. He randomly stopped texting me yesterday, and deleted my poke on FB. What did I do exactly? I don't honestly understand what happened. We were doing so well, laughing and joking like we haven't in what feels like months. I want to know what changed? Maybe it's dumb of me to still care. I've moved on; I'm dating somebody else now. But, that doesn't mean that I don't still care about Michael. I always will. Whenever I think of high school, I think of him. He was a part of who I was for so long, that it is still strange adjusting to not having him play that major role. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the decision that I made - I like Keith a lot, and the way I feel around him is pretty much spectacular. I just wish there was a way to have both. The boyfriend and the best friend. Because I don't want to choose. It shouldn't have to be one or the other. I'm probably over reacting. I do that...quite a bit. I know Michael was busy yesterday with hundred and basketball, but it's weird not saying goodnight. It's weird not knowing what is going on. If I can't have both, then at the very least, can I just know what is going on? Meeting the Parents http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=183 So yesterday was my first date with Keith. And it was pretty much spectacular. Yeah, there was some bad moments, where I really just wanted to *facepalm* but, overall, we had a pretty amazing time. We were rushed for lunch, but that was my fault, because I was being lame and folding my laundry and taking a really long time to do so. But, we got to the movie in time anyway. He took me to go see Due Date with Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galifianakis. It was pretty much hilarious. Though, I think even more funny than the movie itself was within the first 10 minutes of showing, some guy was walking down the stairs to go to the bathroom or something, trips, and then stands up like there's nothing wrong and just walks out. At which point the entire theater just exploded in laughter. I felt bad for the poor guy, but still, it was pretty funny. It's one of those moments where you want to cry about it when it happens, but you'll laugh about later. =) After the movie, we went to the mall because yesterday was Keith's mother's birthday. We had fun going into the stores and finding random things. I found out that he was planning on getting me the latest Jack Reacher novel for our one month anniversary, which I thought was pretty much amazing. It got me thinking about what it is I'm going to get him. I've got some ideas, but since he reads this, I don't want him to find out ahead of time. Abbey came to visit Max yesterday, so we went and hung out with them for a little bit. Abbey approved of him, which pretty much made my day. I won't base my relationships solely off of what my friends think, but what they think does matter to me, so it meant a lot of that she liked him. She texted me later and told me that she was really glad that I looked happy. The scariest part of the day came right after that. Keith and I drove to about 15 miles north of Muncie to meet with his parents. The original plan was that we would have had breakfast with them, or dinner, but it worked out instead that we were all standing in the parking lot talking. I feel like this dad really liked me, but the jury is still out on how is mother took me. Hopefully it's okay. Though, he made a valid point at dinner. It wasn't like my relationship with Michael, where we saw a lot of each other's parents. Because of the age difference between Keith and I, he's really past the point where he's super dependent on his parents, whereas I am still very much dependent on my dad. Either way, it's important to me that his parents think I'm a good girlfriend to him, so hopefully I was able to make it work. Oh, so you know my last post? Well, it's been three days since Michael and I have talked. I finally got him to talk to me on Thursday, where I found out why he was angry with me. I tried to tell him about Keith. I really did. Multiple times. He wouldn't listen. So when he found out that we were officially dating, it hit him pretty hard. Which I understand. I really do. It still gets me to think of him dating somebody else, even though I've moved on and am totally happy with my relationship with Keith. He needs time, obviously, but it just sucks. I miss being able to text him and talk to him. I miss our poke war. I miss having a best friend who I could connect with so well. It's going to make Thanksgiving break that much harder, because I feel like eventually we're going to cross paths. And I want to. We had wanted to hang out, but I guess that won't happen, but still, because the majority of our friends are common friends, it's going to happen. I just hope that when it does, we're ready for it. Because regardless of whatever else, Michael was my first love, and I will always care about him, and not being able to talk to him is really starting to get to me. But, I can't give him what he wants. He doesn't want to date me, but he doesn't want anybody else to date me either. I will sacrifice a great deal for those I care about, but there's a limit to how much I can sacrifice before I'm putting my own happiness on the line. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't sit by and watch him pull further and further away. I've never been content with second place, and I was unwilling to do that for him. Eventually, I hope that we'll be able to reconcile and still be good friends. I really do. But, I guess that is out of my hands. The past has shown that I can cling as much as I want to, but eventually, it is his decision. The last thing he said to me was that he still thought that our friendship and our history was important, I just hope that continues to be the case, because right now, it isn't looking like it. One Week http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=184 I've been attending therapy sessions with a counselor here at BSU for about a month now. Ever since Michael told me that he wanted to date somebody else. I was so incredibly depressed from that, that I just needed somebody to talk to who could be completely objective. More than anything, I just needed a place to vent. So that's what I did. So just about every week, I've gone in there. My last visit was on Monday. By then, my counselor knew everybody I was referring to - I didn't have to give the backstory of who everybody was anymore. But, that is not even the most remarkable thing. Monday is my second to last session with my counselor. Because for the first time since I had started counseling, I went in there and said that I was happy. I told her about how Michael was no longer talking to me, and how much that hurt me. But, on the same token, I also told her that I had done everything I could do, which I had. I reached out to try and maintain the relationship, because I truly do want to remain good friends. She essentially told me this, "You've done all you can do. The ball is in his court." Which is so true. The problem is that right now, he's choosing to not play ball. Tomorrow will be a week of no communication. This is the longest we've gone without talking to each other in at least three years, if not even longer. It's been an adjustment, but I tried. Monday night...I caved. I couldn't wait anymore. So I sent him two messages. I got no reply. That's not something I can really control; I tried to initiate contact, but communication is a two way thing. Ultimately, he has to choose to want to be my friend again. And I hope he does. He promised me that he wouldn't hate me. I really hope that he holds through on that promise. BUT! There is happy news about one week as well, one that has got me and a bunch of other people super excited. One week from today, myself, Katie, Jared, and Nate's parents and grandparents, will be in Fort Leonardwood, MO for Nate's graduation from military AIT training. And then we get to bring him home. We haven't seen him in 5 months. And for most of us, the majority of communication happened through snail mail or texting on Sundays. Words literally can't describe how happy I am to be going. Nate is one of my best friends, and to be there for him is so important, to both of us. I'm missing three days of school to do this, but I honestly could care less. Seeing him graduate and being there with him is on a totally different level than school; I would miss two weeks if it meant that I could see him. What's even better is that both Nate and Jared are coming back to BSU next weekend; which is going to be amazing. It's been so long since we've all just hung out, that it'll be fantastic to just sit back and chill like we used to. Plus, mi mejor amigo gets to meet Keith, which is a whole other ball game in and of itself. =) And, just to keep me occupied until that happens, Jared is visiting BSU this Friday and Saturday. I haven't seen him since Halloween, which means that a visit is well over due. 444 Miles http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=185 I haven't seen one of my best friends in almost 5 months. We said goodbye at Max's house, after spending the day together. The day in question did not turn out as well as I had hoped, but that doesn't mean that it was any less significant of a parting. In fact, I think that it made the reunion that much better. My heart was pounding in my chest, waiting for Nate. When we first got there, the privates all started filing out of the building in their uniforms. We weren't entirely sure that it would be Nate's group. I searched every face, looking for him. And then I felt Jared nudge me, and he simply said, "There he is." And yeah, there he was. In his dress uniform, looking like the soldier that he has become. We spent the day with him, and it was....amazing. And that isn't even accurate. Just sitting beside him, getting a hug, talking, laughing, it was all incredible. It made me realize just how important my friends were to me, and how much I miss them when they're absent from my life. Nate in particular was somebody who was/is incredibly important to me. We had a very close relationship, closer than most people know. Being separated for such a long period of time, it definitely showed me that he is one of those people who I just can't live without. Tomorrow, we return to the Fort for an hour long graduation ceremony. And then we're hitting the road and coming home. It'll just be Jared and I on the way home, as Katie and Nate will be in the van with Nate's family. Which will be fine; Jared and I are definitely close and we won't be lacking in things to talk about. =) It'd be nice to be able to talk with Nate, but it is what it is. He is supposed to be coming to BSU this weekend, along with Jared, so we'll see. Also, on a separate note. Tomorrow marks 2 weeks of the absence of another best friend of mine. It's starting to really tear me up, not being able to talk to him, but I don't know what I can do. But, it's killing me knowing that he doesn't want to see me over Thanksgiving. He promised he wouldn't hate me, but I'm now thoroughly convinced that promise has been broken. :,( I'm Thankful For http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=186 My friends. My family. My God. My dog. My bed. My house. My home. My best friend. My boyfriend. My support system. My food. My returning health. My break. My books. My website. My smile. My hugs. My kisses. My love. My happiness. My stability. And so much more. This Thanksgiving, I am so much more aware of what I have in this world. Of all the things that I don't have, they seem so petty and not necessary. I have so much in this world; far more than I could ever have imagined. I don't have everything, of course, but what I have is so valuable that what I don't have to worry about anything else. This Thanksgiving, I spent the entire first day in bed. My head was spinning. Everytime I stood up or sat down, the world started turning. It was bad. I couldn't get out of bed. Today, after a nap on the couch, I felt so much better. And I'm hoping that trend continues. Tomorrow is looking to be an excellent day, and I absolutely can't wait. =) Don't Be Afraid http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=187 "You musn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling." -Eames Dreams are only what we make them to be. Right now, my dreams are more like nightmares. The last thing I want are my nightmares to be bigger. They're already bad enough. Monday was my last meeting with Nehad, my counselor. It was the only session I can remember tearing up in. Even when I first told her about Michael and how that part of my life was falling apart, I didn't really tear up or cry at all. But Monday, when being asked how I would feel if it turns out that Michael's "I don't want to see you" over Thanksgiving break, turns in to "I never never want to see youa gain", I couldn't help it. That thought is absolutely foreign to me. I mean, it is, but it isn't. We've now gone over a month without talking to each other. He decided that he didn't want to see me over Thanksgiving break, so minus the awkward 20 seconds where we saw each other unexpectedly, we didn't interact at all. Which in it's own was a very depressing thought, and one of the reasons I think I was stuck in bed the first two days I was home. I've adjusted to not being able to text him and tell him some random funny thing that happened to me that day. I've gotten used to not being greeted by a good morning text and not being told that I'm missed when I go to bed at night. I try not to think about it too much, because I get like this - upset and hurt. But, sitting in my session with Nehad, I was forced to focus on it, and the possibility that our friendship might be over for good was more than I could take. Right now, our relationship has been reduced to pokes on Facebook, and even those have stopped. I've been told by everybody else that I just need to move on and deal with it. I've got a wonderful boyfriend, Keith, and an amazing group of best friends. But, I don't replace people in my life. Keith is not, and never will be, a substitute for Michael. I can love Keith and still want to be Michael's friend - I think that is legitimately possible. But at what point am I just hitting my head against a brick wall and fighting for something that is never meant to be? I don't know. I honestly don't. I've never let somebody walk out of my life without putting up a fight. Never. But what can you do when the other person stops acknowledging your existence and tells you that they don't want to see you? So all of that, plus the issue with Derek and stress from finals week, is making for a very stressful and not pleasant week. The New Year http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=188 There are 365 days in a year. Today marks the first day of a brand new year. 1/1/11. I'm one of those ridiculous people who wants to start afresh every time a new year comes around. I want a clean room, I want a clean web space, and I want a clean emotional being. So, I am going to start the year off with this challenge. The challenge descriptions can be found in the picture accompanying this post. Day One - Your Current Relationship My current relationship is with a boy named Keith. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he lets me cry, and he lets me express the wild range emotions that is present within me. We have been dating for a little over two months. I met him way back in the beginning of the school year through our mutual friend, Hunter. At the time, I was still very much caught up with my ex-boyfriend, so I was not really looking for somebody to take his place. But things seldom happen how we expect them too. Keith came into my life in a rather surprising way. We hung out with my group of friends, watched movies, went to Late Nite. However, we bonded. He took on a bigger role in my life. Today, I took him to meet his father and brother on their way to Wisconsin. He spent New Year's Eve with me, and it was one of the best nights I've had in a while. He has made more trips to visit me in two months than almost any other friend has ever made for me. And I love him very much for that. All of that said, my current relationship is absolutely fantastic and never fails to bring a smile to my face. =) Ten Years From Now http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=189 So technically, I am posting this on January 3rd, as opposed to January 2nd like I was supposed to. However, I am only missing the deadline by 36 minutes, so I think that this is still an acceptable post to make. Day Two - Where you would like to be in 10 Years The future is something that I have always tried to stay away from, because let's be honest, the future is scary. The future is uncertain. We can predict with some general accuracy what will take place, but nobody can ever be sure. That said, I try and stay away from thinking too much about the future, but unfortunately, I am a college student. Thinking about our futures is what we are being taught to do. Ideally, I would like to have secured a decent job, one at which I'm happy. 10 Years from now, I will be 28 years old, which is about the age when people start settling into those careers that they will have for a while. I am a history major, which means that there is a good chance that I will still be in school - either as a scholar or as a teacher. Unfortunately, this is the biggest problem I have with looking at the future, because right now, it is the most unclear. In terms of relationships, I would like to be engaged or married. 28 seems like a pretty solid age to settle down with that one person who makes your heart race and makes you smile for no reason at all. Currently, I have one of those people in my life, and right now, I would be very happy to still be with him 10 years from now. I have never been a huge fan of my looks. Ever. There are rare moments when I will look into a mirror and think to myself "Dang, you actually are pretty", but those times are few and far between. If in 10 years, I can be considered attractive, then I will be quite happy indeed. Tequilla, Ectasy, & Marijuana http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=190 Day Three - Your views on drugs & alcohol Drugs and alcohol is a subject that I have to deal with on a fairly frequent basis. Not drugs so much, but alcohol, yeah, definitely. I am 18 years old. The legal drinking age is 21. I cannot legally drink. Despite this, the overall trend in thinking is that as a college student that is exactly what I should be doing every weekend - getting so hammered that I can't remember my own name. It doesn't help that I go to Ball State, which is notorious for being a party school. When I came home for break and went back to work, one of the first questions that my coworkers asked me was how often I went out and partied. My answer is always never. And that answer is the absolute truth. I totally realize that one drink is not going to kill me. Heck, even two drinks wouldn't kill me. But, I am also aware what happens when that one or two becomes three or four, or five or six. I am a control freak. I do not like to ever be out of control. Whether good or bad, I am not really sure, but that is simply how I've been programmed. So taking the risk of drinking, and drinking irresponsibly, is something that I am unwilling to do. The topic of alcohol consumption is something that is frequently discussed. My best friend Melissa does it when she goes out with her sorority sisters, and usually she does it responsibly and it works out alright. Keith is 20, and will be 21 in February, which means that at that point he can drink freely all he wants and nobody can do anything about it. But, he and I have discussed it - and I honestly could not handle a relationship where my partner was getting drunk all the time. I don't think it is healthy, at all. Thankfully, he agreed with me, so I think it will be an okay situation. On the other side of the coin are drugs. I haven't had to deal with these very much in my life - I've honestly never seen a bag of cocaine in person, nor could I tell you if somebody was smoking marijuana based on the smell alone. 365 Days Later http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=191 I've been sitting at my desk for the better part of 6 hours, slaving away over my laptop. For those navigating about the site, you'll notice the introduction of clean URLS. This has been done in order to make the site more friendly to users and search engines, as well as make things easier for me as I continue updating TSR. Big thanks to !Jared for helping me do this! On an off-nerdy note, there is something I want to talk about before I get to my challenge topic of the day. 365 days ago, I broke up with !Michael - perhaps one of the biggest decisions I have ever made in my life. In doing so, I, in effect, changed who I was. In 10 days, on January 14th, I'll remember that it was to be mine and Michael's 6 year anniversary. Nobody can sit there and tell me that is an insignificant fact, because it isn't. He was my best friend, and to this day, there are still certain things about me that he knows that nobody else does. In this past year, we've gone through some pretty drastic periods. From potentially getting back together to not even talking to each other, we've gone from the end of the spectrum to the other. However, as it stands, we're currently trying to sort out what matters most right now - our friendship. Day Four - Your views on religion My religious views are something that are...under development to put it one way. I wasn't particularly raised as a religious person, though I was certainly taught the morals that most Western Christians have - you should be polite, respectful, do good deeds, don't hate, be peaceful, etc. My religious life didn't really begin until I moved to Indiana in 5th grade, at which point it took off in a big way. I was going to church regularly and an active youth group participant. The four summers in high school were spent doing bigger trips and events with my youth group. The Value of Goals http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=192 To me, goals are personal things. What is a goal to one person cannot be equated with the goal of somebody else. Mentally and emotionally, we are all different. Despite what some people might like to believe, we are actually individuals, and while we might adhere to group standards, it does not erase the individual thought and feeling. My biggest issue in life is that I have no idea where I want it to take me. I really don't. I don't know if I want to be a historian, I don't know if I want to be the President, I don't know if I want to be a lot of things. There's all this talk of passion and of what really makes you tick, and I...can't even tell you. I have no idea. I'm this mess of a person who is a accumulation of what has happened to me and my reaction to that. I just...am. What really gets me is that I'm an intelligent being. I think therefor I exist, as Descartes put it. I think about all sorts of things, most of which are never expressed in any form because I don't want to waste the time of the people around me with my ramblings. But, that's just it. I'm an intelligent person, and yet...I have no goals in life. How does that work? In my Top 10, I was the only person who not have decided on a major and a future profession. Among my group of friends, I am the only one who does not have a clear idea of what they want to do with their life after graduation. And of a group of twelve people, I am the only one whose goals are too low to ever get them anything. It makes me want to cry. Because all I have are brains. But not even enough brains to figure out what it is in this world that I want to do and what I feel called to do. My ultimate goal? To be happy. Now if only that was enough. Out of My System http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=193 So I guess this is just something that I need to get out of my system, because it has been weighing on me a lot the past week or so. These things sort of come and go in cycles I guess, and there are times that I feel fine and then there are others that I don't. In all honesty, I am probably complicating my life by worrying about this at all, but, I can't help it. It is who I am as a person. Basically...I miss Michael. I just do. There are so many times that I think of something funny or that reminds me of an inside joke we used to have and I want to pull out my phone and tell him about it. But the sad part is that I can't. The last thing he said to me was "I will make time for you if I have it". He hasn't tried to contact me in any way since then, which says to me that he either has been extremely busy or he just doesn't care. Right now, I'm guessing towards the second one. I talked about it with Jared, and I came to the conclusion that I'm still trying to make myself matter in the life of somebody who doesn't want me there anymore. I guess I kind of assumed that we valued the same things and that we cared enough about each other that we would push through the awkwardness. But, I guess the fact remains that his priorities have shifted, and so have mine. Me dating Keith didn't go over so well when Michael found out, and I didn't expect it to. But since then, there has been this sense of awkwardness that never seems to go away. But, what hurts the most, is that I also realized that in the past year, I've had to go five months without seeing two of my best friends. I had to go with Nate last summer and last fall, and that was awful. And I haven't been able to see Michael at all this Spring semester - both due to our lack of breaks and his lack of a desire to see me. Which I guess I can't really blame him for. We had to move on, we just had different ideas about how to go about it. I finally caved and sent him a message via Facebook about a wall post he made. He has responded a few times, but there's hardly a personal response to it. I'm just a stranger now, or at least, that's what it feels like. It's not a comfortable feeling for me...at all. I'm back in that place again, where I want something so much but the thing that I want, the other person loathes. I didn't think that friendship was too much to ask, but the way things are going now, it seems that it will be. Is it really that bad to want to be told that you're missed? What are you? http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=194 "What are you? The old man from UP?" - No Strings Attached Yesterday was my 19th birthday. It was my Golden Birthday - 19 on the 19th. I spent it with stitches in my bum from having surgery on my tailbone on Monday. I also spent it with my boyfriend, Keith, and my closest friends and family. Despite me being drugged up and wanting nothing more than to sleep, I had a spectacular two days. And as I sit here and right this, I'm thanking God for providing me with so much. I labeled the picture that went with this entry as my "Best Birthday Present", but in reality, I really didn't have one. Just being with the people I loved the most was the best birthday present I could have asked for. I woke up to my dad coming into my room with Fancy to wish me a Happy Birthday and a good morning. He left a card on my desk - and it's like Hallmark met with my dad to personally write that card. It is one of those that I will keep for the rest of my days, because that is simply how much it means to me. In addition to my dad, I woke up to a handful of texts from good friends wishing me the best day, and despite it being early, it made me smile. When Keith got here, I was ridiculously excited. I hadn't seen him since school go out the first week in May, and to be held and hugged and see his face in person, it made my day. He was a sweetheart who brought me flowers, cake, cards (yes, multiples!), and a beautiful necklace. But most importantly, he brought himself, and his willingness to spend the day with me doing whatever it is I wanted to do. Even when that meant napping instead of paying attention to him, he was right there to hold me in his arms while I dreamed. We got ice cream and watched House and played Scrabble. It was about the best I could have asked for. And then I was surprised by two of my closest friends, Nate and Katie, showing up at my house out of the blue to wish me a Happy Birthday. We all sat around in my room for a bit and just talked and laughed and poked fun at my doggy. =) And then Nate's parents came along to wish me Happy Birthday, along with a candle and some ice cream (mint chocolate chip, hells yeah!), which pretty much made me smile like none other. We all ended up at Nate's house, where we were joined by Jared and Kyle, and we had a good time just hanging out and having fun. It wasn't what I expected, but it was definitely a good way to celebrate. Of course, today was the celebration with the family. I was treated to both lunch and dinner, and now I have a serious case of the fat kid complex, but it's okay! I got to open 19 presents, most of which were travel related (hints to my trip this summer!) and eat some good food in the company of the people who love me the most. Afterwards, Keith and I watched a movie, No Strings Attached, until it was time for him to leave. Ultimately, the worst part of my birthday, but it is made better by the fact that I got to spend two days with him, celebrating not only my birthday, but our 7 month anniversary. So now that I am in my last year of being a teenager, one should expect me to be all knowing and wise and some other nonsense. Of course, this is horsepucky. I know no more than I did two days ago, except that I have a greater appreciation for the people I have chosen to surround myself with and what they are worth to me. I wouldn't change what I have right now for anything, and it is to these wonderful people that I owe who I am today. So thank you to everybody who took the time out to send their good wishes my way, and know that it made a difference and that for even a second, you made me smile. Story of a Girl http://www.theshadowsrealm.com/archives.php?id=195 Who drowned the whole world? Yeah, that could about sum me up at the moment. One of my summer goals was to blog 10 times, and then I realized that I wouldn't/couldn't do it because there wasn't anything I had to say that was worth publishing on the net. But right now, I'm more typing because I need the release. So here it is. I've been living my summer in spurts, getting through certain days because I'm looking forward to a certain couple. Mostly, these have been days where I get to see Keith. But there have been other been markers that I've looked forward to. Like my family vacation to the East Coast - our second in the past 7 months, second since my parents separated. Oh, and the whole, not going to my mother's for the summer for the first time ever. That's been difficult, in a way I never thought it would be. Being away from my brothers sucks, because like it or not, I do depend on them. But even more odd to me is that despite my insistence that my relationship with my mother is completely destroyed, I do miss even those two minutes of attention she would give every day. Why is this important? I've no idea. Probably because I'm a very dependent person, and the idea of somebody being there for me just appeals. I've also been dealing with a lot of tension amongst my close friends which has certainly taken its toll on me. I've been unable to sleep well, and when I do sleep, I have incredibly random and insane dreams that make no logical sense. Jared has wondered how much of that was due to stress; if I'm honest, I'm a bit afraid to find out. I guess with the summer coming to an end (only one month left before I'm back at BSU), it's becoming more of a struggle to deal with the fact that I'm growing up. The friends I've had for years are slowly drifting away. This time last year, I was talking to Michael and doing everything I could to see him - we've essentially stopped talking. Jared and I remain as close as ever, actually way closer, but I'm going to miss him a ridiculously large insane amount when the summer is over. But before the summer is over, Jared, Nate, Katie, and I are packing our bags and heading to Austin, TX for a week long vacation at my Aunt's house. While this is looking like it will be the climax of the summer, I'm a little bit worried. Drama has invaded our little group, and while we used to be as tight knit as ever, the threads have slowly been unraveling. Nate is looking at a transfer from BSU, which saddens me a lot even though I know it's the best decision he can make for him. But even before that decision is made, he's essentially already transferred out of my life at any close level. Some words were said the last time we had a serious conversation. Something snapped. And now it's just a matter of time. I finally got my raise at work, the one thing on my summer list that was out of my control. I've no idea how much it was by, but I guess I'll find out on my next paycheck. It sucks that this was promised to me in May and it's almost August, but I guess I'll deal. Oh, and I miss Keith a lot, and the fact that I won't get to hold him in my arms or look into his eyes until I go back to school hurts like fucking hell. Tomorrow is our 9 month anniversary, and it amazes me just how much I've come to care for him even though we met under the most unusual circumstances. While it sucks that I won't be able to spend it with him, I'm cheered by the fact that our 10 month anniversary will be the day that we're reunited at school again. And I can't wait. Summer, we've had our ups and downs, but I'm ready to take you on. One day at at time.